Emotional Overwhelm
You have probably had the experience of feeling overwhelmed by emotion. This is a physical rush in our body which is often connected to certain actions. Anger – yelling. Sadness – crying. Happiness – laughing. Fear – running away. These are amazing instinctive reactions which saved our mammalian ancestors for billions of years and it takes a lot of conditioning to overcome them.
This is basically what we spend all of parenting doing. “No Suzy, you can’t hit your friend because you’re mad.” “Jimmy, if you can’t stop crying and use your words, you will need a time out.” And I suppose this has a bit of a benefit in that we don’t spend work meetings yelling and running away whenever we are angry and scared. It’s hard to imagine getting much done if we weren’t able to suppress the ACTION which is most intimately connected with an EMOTION.
EMOTION ≠ ACTION
But we often also try to suppress the EMOTION. The easiest way to not do the ACTION is to pretend that we are not feeling the EMOTION. This can be known as toxic positivity in the case of negative emotions being ignored, but it can also manifest as perfectionism when we resist taking pleasure in our own gifts and accomplishments.
Cognitive Error
The brain has learned a shortcut – pretend you are not experiencing emotion X in order to avoid action Y.
When you pretend you don’t feel something, you are lying to yourself and resisting the underlying emotion, which is still there in your body. When we acknowledge that we have a particular feeling going on in our body, and feel it fully, we can allow it to pass through us without acting on it. Later, when we have had a chance to process the emotion, and think about the circumstances which led to the thought that created that emotion, we can decide if we wish to take some action. And we can decide what emotion we want to take action from.
For example, rather than yelling at our kid out of anger, we can acknowledge the anger, process it and then think about the situation later. Are we afraid for our child’s safety or wellbeing? This fear usually stems from love and caring for them. Can we act out of love when we speak to them about our concerns? Are we insulted by the way they spoke to us? And is this feeling to do with fearing that they might speak to a boss that way some day and end up losing their job or opportunities for advancement? Or do we fear that they might not love us? Once you truly, deeply understand some of the emotions that are contributory to the surface emotion, you can choose the actions which best represent you and your values.
Of course, sometimes we will react instinctively and yank our kid away from the hot stove, or yell at them when they talk back, or snap at a co-worker. But as soon as we have the opportunity, naming the surface feeling and digging in to understand what emotions are contributory underneath is the fastest, most honest way to getting through the emotional storm to a point where we can decide what actions we want to take. We can always apologize for our unconsidered actions and commit to doing better next time.
TL;DR
When you feel an emotion, name it to yourself. Be as specific as possible. Name any other emotions that come up for you. Remind yourself that actions are always voluntary and you do not have to take any specific action right now.