Do The Work
I recently read Byron Katy’s Loving What Is – a classic in the coaching world. I tried to read it a few years ago, but the ideas presented it triggered a lot of “this is just blame-the-victim” resistance in me. For whatever reason, it was different this time, and I’ve found it really valuable as a way to unpack thoughts and look at them in a systematic way. I’d say the main benefit I derived from what she calls The Work is to illuminate that suffering is caused in our own heads by our resistance to reality.
Judge Your Neighbour
To take a mundane example that is probably approachable for all of us, I’ll look at my attitudes about cooking supper in some detail, using the ‘Judge-Your-Neighbour’ worksheet which is freely available for download. Usually you will use this when you are annoyed with someone else, but both for making the point that who we are usually judging is ourself when we want someone else to behave a certain way and because then I limit the amount of judgement of my kids and partner I put on the internet, I’m going to be judging myself.
1. In this situation, who angers, confuses, hurts, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?
I am angry and disappointed with myself because I should want to cook supper for my family as planned.
2. In this situation, how do you want him/her to change? What do you want him/her to do?
I want myself to take time to plan meals that I actually want to eat and then follow through with that plan when supper time rolls around. I want to enjoy the limited time I have left to eat dinner with my kids.
3. In this situation, what advice would you offer him/her? “He/she should/shouldn’t…”
I should want to cook delicious healthy food which respects everyone’s dietary needs and preferences and enjoy conversation with my children before they are grown and out of the house.
4. In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need him/her to think, say, feel, or do?
I need my kids and partner to enjoy and appreciate my cooking and I need myself to prefer cooking supper to engaging in leisure activities or ordering in.
5. What do you think of him/her in this situation? Make a list. (It’s okay to be petty and judgmental.)
I am lazy, selfish, unloving, unhealthy, unkind and resentful when I don’t cook dinner for the family as planned.
6. What is it about this person and situation that you don’t ever want to experience again?
I never want to feel unmotivated to cook dinner again.
Ask Four Questions
The next step of The Work is to ask four questions challenging the thoughts in each of the six statements.
The questions are:
- Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to question 3.)
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who or what would you be without the thought?
Turn Around
The final step is to turn each thought around and explore whether the turn around is as true or even maybe more true than the original thought.
I won’t do the work out completely here but when I went through my thoughts with the questions and turned them around, this is some of what I generated.
Point 1
I should want to cook dinner. Is that true? No. There is no objective truth in the universe that people should want to cook dinner and there is plenty of evidence that suggests that people don’t want to cook dinner when given any other option, from the booming fast food business, to frozen dinners, meal prep services and so on. In fact, you would have a lot more evidence for the turned around thought that I SHOULDN’T want to cook dinner. So how do I behave when I believe I should want to cook dinner and the reality is that I don’t want to, but I am resisting that reality. I procrastinate, I resent others for not cooking dinner, I feel ashamed if we order in, I tell myself a story about how good moms should want to cook dinner for their family. Who or what would I be without the thought that I should cook dinner? A darn site happier about being in my home for the evening. The turn around for this is so straightforward that it made it into the exploration of the truth of the thought itself. Some other turnarounds might be – “My partner should want to cook dinner” “Nobody wants to cook dinner” “Home cooked dinner is not necessary.” “I don’t need to want to cook dinner to make sure my family is healthy and well fed.”
Notice that with all beliefs that cause us any significant trouble, there are layer upon layer of culture, patriarchy, beliefs absorbed from family of origin and judgement of others (stemming from a sense of unworthiness) that prop them up. There are literally millions of things I don’t believe I should do to be a good mom that others at different times or in different cultures do believe. What makes this thought so special that it is uniquely “true” among all the possible thoughts out there? Exactly nothing.
TL;DR
Read Loving What Is and start doing The Work on your thoughts. Try to open up to the idea that your own thoughts about a situation are causing you your struggle and distress.